Other Bedtime Stories
by cptevelyn
Summary: Two parter of a typical day in the O'Connell household. Of course, any day with this family is by no standards typical. Some original characters included. Rating will go up in later chapters due to situations. Part II Updated!
1. Shattered Dreams

**Author's Note:**

Here it is! A new Mummy fic! This one has no real serious plot, but it's fun.

Enjoy!

**The "Pleasure God" Fiasco and Other Bedtime Stories**

**Part Un: Day**

**Chapter 1**

**Shattered Dreams**

Rick O'Connell:

It all started as a normal day in the O'Connell homestead. Normal for this family that is.

I was reading in the library when my son came in and started bouncing a ball on the floor. It wasn't really bothering me. When you live with the likes of my brother-in-law you learn to tune these things out. After much nagging from my wife, Alex was still up to his old tricks. Ardeth's little sister, Kamaria, came in and started tossing the ball around with him. She's a hoot. When Kam joined in, I think Evy just figured she was beat, rolled her eyes and walked off.

I feel bad when Evelyn just doesn't get through to Alex. Then, I remember how much like me he is.

Oh well. Kids can't be perfect can they?

Since their game started to bother my thought process, I decided to put my book down and go outside to the rare, sunny, English afternoon. I went out to the shed and unlocked my artillery cabinet. Yeah. I know. Every home should have one.

I took out a rifle, a few bullets and a wooden target. Picking out a tree to hang it on, I saw my brother-in-law driving his car out of the drive. Funny as it sounds, it looked like Ardeth was with him. I smiled and waved as he turned onto the road. _Well, the house will be quieter with him gone. He's probably going to his damned casino_ _to brag about it._ _Poor Ardeth. Doesn't know what he's getting into, _I mused as I proceeded to hang the target on a low-hanging branch of a large tree.

I turned around a few paces and found a position. I loaded the barrel and raised my gun to aim, cocked back the hammer and pulled the trigger. Bulls eye. Not bad considering I haven't had to use a gun in a while. I repeated the process a few more times until on the fifth shot, immediately following my hit, I heard the distinct sound of breaking glass.

I looked behind me, my eyes instinctively going to the library window.

Sure enough, The window was shattered. Glass and a round shape that looked suspiciously like my son's football was scattered on the lawn underneath it.

"AAAAALEEEEX!" I heard my wife scream from somewhere in the house.

I shook my head. "Here we go again," I said out loud. I could hear my wife scolding him from my position on the lawn. Yep. That was definitely coming out of his allowance. I was getting ready to shoot again when I heard a familiar voice screaming at me.

"Richard James O'Connell! How could you be out there playing with your gun while your son is in here destroying the house!" I swear, those vocal lessons she's taking aren't just helping her breathing to sing. She's gotta set of lungs on her, that's for sure.

I sighed, lowered my gun and started heading towards the shed. "Be there in a minute, hon," I yelled back.

After safely securing my rifle in it's rightful place, I trudged back into the house. Evelyn was waiting at the base of the stairs, a sour look on her face. Even when she's ticked she's still gorgeous.

"Hey beautiful," I said, walking toward her.

"Don't you 'Hey beautiful' me, mister. Your son just took out the entire library window," she said, punctuating each syllable with her finger.

"My son? I seem to remember you being there-"

"Oh! Rick, this is the second time he's broken something playing ball in the house! I don't understand why he can't play outside! It's a perfect day. How could he could be so reckless?" She placed her hand on the banister to the stairwell.

"Well, like you said, he is my son," I replied.

She rolled her eyes and turned to walk upstairs.

"Where do you think your going?" I asked, wrapping an arm around her waist and twirling her around to face me.

She smiled and shook her head. "Ever the charmer, as always. How is it, that whatever mood I'm in, you still manage to push my buttons just the right way?"

"I dunno. Maybe I'm just so handsome…" She cut me off with a kiss, turned and trotted up the stairs, seductively. I grinned and shook my head.

I waited a few minutes and ascended the stairs after her. As I walked down the hall, I noticed that Alex's bedroom door was closed. His mom must have shoved him in there. He almost never closes the door.

I stopped and wrapped gently on the wood. "Alex?"

"Wot?" Came the sulky reply.

"Can I come in a minute?"

"Fine."

Oh boy. He was upset, alright. He's usually a lot more vocal than this.

I opened the door and stepped into his room. He was sitting on his bed, looking at his shoes as if they were the most interesting thing in the world.

Now, usually, I'm the disciplinarian in the household, but today, I just wasn't feeling very authoritarian.

"Hey," I said, approaching him and ruffling the hair on his head. He looked at me and rolled his eyes. He hated being treated like a kid. "What's gotten into you today?"

"Nothing! I was just playing with my ball!" He looked at me with big blue eyes. "It was Cleo!" He exclaimed.

"Heh. Right. I don't believe that for a second." I sighed. "Seriously, Alex. You've got to stop breaking things. Your mother's going to have an aneurysm one of these days. Where was Kam when this happened?"

"In the bathroom."

"Oh. Figures. No witnesses, huh?" I raised an eyebrow.

"I'm telling you dad! It was mum's stupid cat!"

"Uh, uh. I'm not buying it this time." I got down on my knees in front of him. "Listen, bud, you can't just kick the football around the house like you can outside…"

"But dad-!"

"No buts. You're going to have to pay for this out of your allowance."

"Awwwww Daaaad," He pouted.

"Yes, Alex."

"Fine." He glared at me but changed his expression when he noticed I was looking. "Can I at least come out of my room?"

"Sure. I don't see why not." I turned to leave. "No more ball. I mean it. You play with it outside."

I figured I'd better find my wife and inform her of his sentence. I went to our bedroom but she was nowhere in sight.

"Evelyn?" I called.

No answer. I called a little louder and still no answer.

I headed downstairs and through the kitchen. The back door was open. _That's curious. Curious? God, I've been in England too long, _I thought. I walked out the door, the curtains that surrounded it flailing in the wind behind me.


	2. Life In The Fast Lane

**AN: **Okay, guys. Here's the deal. I'll post either depending on how many reviews I get, or one chapter every five days. Sound good? You want more sooner, just let me know with your wonderful reviews. I know your reading! But I'd still love to hear form you!

BTW: As I post this, I am watching the Academy Awards. Rachel Weisz, aka. Evelyn, just won Best Supporting Actress! Congrats, Rachel, on a job well done!

**The "Pleasure God" Fiasco and Other Bedtime Stories**

**Chapter 2**

**Life In The Fast Lane**

Ardeth Bay:

I never thought riding in an automobile could be so dangerous. That was until barely surviving the streets of London with Jonathan Carnahan at the wheel. Of course, I never in a million years thought I would be spending quality time with the idiotic Englishman. He begged me to come and see his casino so much that I felt bad. I now see why Rick can barely stand his company. He's obnoxious until you pay attention to him.

I started whispering a silent prayer, when the car came to an abrupt stop. I jerked my head in the direction of the driver's seat. Jonathan sat there grinning like an idiot. I glared at him.

"Sorry, ol' chum. Didn't mean to scare you."

I stared in reply. I am not a man of many words when angered.

"Well, we're here." I started to get out of the vehicle. "Wait! Stay here a minute. I'll be right back," he said with animation.

"Alright." I watched him walk away from the car.

After a half hour of watching the early morning traffic pass, I actually was starting to worry. Either Jonathan was so busy schmoozing with his friends he forgot about me, or something had happened to the annoying little man.

I searched my surroundings for a telephone booth. I was not comfortable enough with my driving skills or my sense of direction to navigate myself back to Buckinghamshire on my own.

I spotted a phone booth right across the street. I got out of the car and headed toward it, hoping the O'Connell's would be gracious enough to pick me up.


	3. And The Walls Come Tumbling Down

**AN: **Ok. I know I said I was going to update in five days, but the fact is, my spring break was a lot busier than I planned. I'm in the process of looking for a house, which in fact is a very stressful and trying process. Now if I can just get the boyfriend not to move forty miles away from here…

Anyways, Enjoy!

**The "Pleasure God" Fiasco and Other Bedtime Stories**

**Chapter 3**

**And The Walls Come Tumbling Down**

Alex O'Connell:

First of all, tossing the football around again was not my idea. Ib was just sitting in the library reading one of my Grandfather's books about Tutankhamen when Kamaria came in to the room.

"How about a re-match?" She asked, grinning.

"Can't," I pointed to the broken window behind me.

"Ooooo..." Kam said, scrunching up her face. "I'll bet your father's not too pleased."

"He's making me pay for it," I replied. "Mum had a _conniption _fit, though."

"I'll bet she did. I think it's about time I taught you the fine art of not getting caught,'' she said, putting a hand on my shoulder. "Do you have another ball?"

"In my bedroom." I answered.

The mysterious Middle Eastern woman disappeared and returned shortly, my spare football balancing gracefully on her hand. She tossed the ball to me and I caught it, and threw it back at her. I overshot way too far. The ball landed softly on top of a bookshelf. My eyes went wide. Kamaria's mouth dropped open.

"Alex have you seen your mother?" My dad asked, as he entered the room.

"Nope," Kam and I answered simultaneously. He must have been too distracted because he walked right out of the room.

"Whew. That was close." Kam and I looked at each other and sighed. She nodded.

"Quick, Alex! Climb up and get it!" Kam all but whispered.

"Are you mental?" I asked.

"I've seen you climb trees higher than that."

"This is a bookshelf Kam," I glared at her, "It's not as sturdy as a tree."

Which is why it is you who must to climb it," She raised her dark eyebrows. "Of the two of us, you're the only one who's small enough."

"Good point." I glanced back up at the ball. Kamaria followed my gaze. "And how is this a lesson in how 'not to get caught?"

She grinned. "Your getting rid of the evidence, aren't you?" Kamaria stated, her Egyptian accent dripping through in her delight.

I looked at my next obstacle begrudgingly. "Here goes nothing." I started to climb the bookshelf being very weary of my footing. As I reached the top, my foot slipped a bit. I gasped and caught my footing. As I reached for the ball I heard the bookshelf creak. My heart rate quickened as I knocked the ball from its perch and started to climb down. The bookshelf started to lean ino my weight. I instinctively let go of the tumbling shelf. Kamaria caught me just in time and pulled me into a roll, out of harm's way.

**AN: **I know it's a little short but the next one is longer. Review please!


	4. Curiousity Killed The Cat

**AN: **As promised, this one is much longer than the last. I still haven't had a chance to write the second part of the story. I'm sure I will eventually. Don't worry. I'm going to start finishing some of my other stories. It may take a while but I WILL finish the POTC one. I am determined!

**The "Pleasure God" Fiasco and Other Bedtime Stories**

**Chapter 4**

**Curiosity Killed The Cat**

Evelyn O'Connell:

I had just finished the most covert operation I had ever pulled off in my life: hiding Rick's guns. I was just heading back up to the house from the artillery shed when my husband found me.

"There you are," he said, placing an arm around my shoulders. I smiled at the gesture. "I've been looking all over for you. What are you doing out here?"

"Oh... Just going for a stroll. It's such a lovely day and I hated to let it go to waste." I smiled, hoping he had no clue what I was up to.

"Well, you know, the day's not over yet." He wiggled his eyebrows.

"And just what are you implying, Mr. O'Connell?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Nothing you wouldn't enjoy, lady." He winked at me and gave me a charming smile.

"Well, maybe I'll take you up on your offer."

He turned around and headed toward the artillery shed. My eyes went wide. "Where are you going?" I asked, trotting after him.

"I forgot to put some things away out here. You go on ahead in the house."

"You can put it away later." I said quickly.

"Pfft. Are you nuts? Alex'll get into it." He opened the door and strode into the shed to find it empty.

I turned around and started to walk towards the house.

"Oh, Evelyn?" Rick all but shouted. "Do you have any idea why my shed is empty?" I stopped abruptly.

Caught. Red-handed.

"Well, you did leave it wide open. Perhaps someone stole all of you guns..." I started to walk quickly towards the house. Rick started to give chase.

"Oh no no no... I don't think so." He started gaining on me. "What did _you do with my guns_, _Evelyn!_" He yelled though gritted teeth.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." With that I started to run. I reached the house slightly before he did and ran inside. He caught me in the hallway just as I was about to slip on the floor.

He glared at me, but before he could start his interrogations, we heard a loud crash come from upstairs.

We looked at each other and raced up the stairs.

When we got to the library, book pages were floating in the air. Kamaria was on top of Alex, shielding him from harm. My white cat Cleo was sniffing around the pile of disaster in front of us.

"What the bloody hell happened in here!" My already angered husband demanded.

Kamaria started to rise out of the rubble, pulling Alex up with her. They both looked around themselves.

"Alex, you're just like your mother,'' my oh-so-wonderful husband observed. I thwacked him on the arm. ''Ouch." He started rubbing where I'd hit him.

"It was the cat!" Kam and Alex shouted simultaneously.

Rick and I looked at each other, annoyed.

Cleo curled herself around my legs as the phone started to ring.

Rick ran to the phone stand in the hallway. He picked up the receiver.

I held out my hand to my son. "Ball. Now."

He rolled his eyes, sighed and plucked the ball from its place on the floor. He trudged toward me and plopped the ball in my awaiting hand.

"No more, Alex." I stated, "I've had enough damaged property for one day."

"Well, we can put off his grounding for a bit," Rick said, striding into the room. "That was Ardeth. Jonathan left him outside the casino. I wouldn't think anything was wrong if Jon hadn't been so anxious to show off for Ardeth."

"What?" I asked, surprise showing on my face. Rick was right. Something was wrong.

"It could be just Jonathan being Jonathan but we might as well go pick up poor Ardeth." He sighed. "I suppose wecould look for Jon while were there."

I grinned.

When we arrived at Jonathan's casino, his car was parked on the curb out front, Ardeth sitting calmly in the passenger seat. He climbed out and greeted Rick and I with a grin.

"Boy, am I glad to see you," Ardeth said, climbing into the back seat of Rick's Beauford.

"Did Jonathan say where he was going?" I asked.

"No," Ardeth answered. "He just said to stay in the car and that he'd be back. That was well over an hour ago."

"That's not like him." I looked out the window.

"Hey," Rick said quietly, placing a hand on my shoulder. "I'm sure he's fine. He probably just got held up. Let's get Ardeth back to the house, have some lunch and call the main desk. See if he's checked in with anyone."

"Right," I replied. "I'm starting to feel famished."

We arrived home a few moments later and I half expected Alex to have destroyed the house. To my surprise, he was in his bedroom reading while Rick's younger sister Ella was feverishly painting. I gently wrapped on the doorframe. "Your father's fixing lunch downstairs. It should be ready in a few moments."

Alex sighed, put his book down on his bed and started to trot off downstairs.

I quietly approached my sister-in-law who was deeply immersed in her art. "Lunch is almost ready, Ella."

She turned to face me. "Alright. Just let me finish up this last bit of detail." She returned her concentration to her canvas and I turned out of the room. I stopped, sighed, and shook my head. She was so much like her brother when she wasn't painting. That was probably a good thing. Otherwise, she'd have been involved in the earlier fiasco. _Funny how she's been in the house the whole day and this is the first I've seen of her…_ I finished my thought and continued downstairs.

**AN:**More to come! As long as I can load stories... I tried to put this up the other day and oddly, it kept stopping in the middle of loading... Please review!


	5. Out Of Luck And Out Of Arms

**AN: **Okay, this chapter isn't very long. I don't usually write this character. My friend does on our roll playing game weblog (for more info, visit my homepage).

Anyways, Enjoy!

**Chapter 5**

**Out Of Luck And Out Of Arms**

Kamaria Bay:

Lunch had ended and I had nothing to do the rest of the day. I strolled into the library to find Rick, once again, reading. I noticed he was having a hard time concentrating. He suddenly closed his book and set it down on the table next to his chair. He let out a deep sigh.

"Is something wrong?" I asked.

"Evelyn took my guns." For a moment, I thought he was going to start pouting.

"Why did she do that?"

"I don't know," He stood and started walking towards the window, which now had a large piece of wood covering the massive hole in it. "You know my wife. She's crazy."

"Would you like me to help you find them?" I smirked.

He thought for a few moments, raised an eyebrow, and then smirked at me.

I snuck around the corner of the hallway, peering for signs of Evelyn. The coast was clear so I signaled for Rick to follow. Once I was absolutely sure she was nowhere in sight, I started opening cupboards and closets searching for the confiscated weapons. After a through examination of the hallway, I motioned for Rick to stay where he was at the top of the stairs. I trotted down the stairwell silently. Once I reached the main floor, I once again inspected the surrounding area for Rick's wife.

Once again, the coast was clear. I motioned for Rick to follow me. I headed into the kitchen checking the room before I entered. Empty. I started rifling through all the places Evelyn may have concealed a weapon.

"Nothing here," I said, turning to walk out of the room.

"Uh," Rick started, "Okay…" He pulled a gun out of the cookie jar on the counter.

I looked at the weapon with wide eyes. "You're right. She is crazy."

"And she just got done telling me to put these things away." He sighed. "Alex would have found this in an instant. He checks the cookie jar _every_ morning."

I looked at him, concerned. "Shall we have her committed?"

"No," He answered. "Let's just keep looking."

After Rick's startling discovery, I started searching more obvious places. Like the medicine cabinet, where we found three guns.

I'm starting to see why Rick feels that his family is insane.

**AN: **Please review!


	6. Playing DressUp

**AN: **Here ya go, guys. This one is a little longer than the last. This is Rick's sister Ella's chapter. (My sister's character... Also from the RPG.) I'll be doing back stories on original characters this summer!

Enjoy!

**The "Pleasure God" Fiasco And Other Bedtime Stories**

**Chapter 6**

**Playing Dress-Up**

Ella O'Connell:

"Okay, Alex. You have to hold really still," I told my nephew as he stood before my easel.

"I'm trying, but these shoes aren't helping." He squirmed. "Could you tell me why I'm dressed in mum's clothing for your picture?" He looked perplexed.

"Because you look so darn cute!" I grinned and winked at the eight-year-old.

He glared at me, fighting to hold his balance in the high heels he was donning.

Just as I raised my brush to make the first stroke, my wonderful brother walked past the open door. His eyes went wide.

"What the hell are you doing to my son!" He shouted, entering the room.

"Just painting his portrait," I answered, flashing him an innocent smile.

"In drag?" He fumed.

"Aunt Ella? I'm going to go get changed now before dad blows a gasket, okay?" Alex said. He took off the shoes and started sulking out of the room.

"You had better get changed, pal," Rick closed his eyes, and shook his head. "If your mother catches you in her favorite dress, there's gonna be hell to pay." He turned toward me. "And don't make him do something _that_ ridiculous again, alright?"

"Okay." I watched him stride out of the room.

""It's official. This family is cursed…" I heard him mumble.

After a few moments I couldn't contain myself anymore. I burst out laughing.

I started out of the room. Just outside of the bathroom door was my sister-in-law.

"Alex, hurry up in there," She said, starting to fidget.

My nephew slowly opened the door and started to trudge out.

His mother's eyes went wide. "What in God's name are you doing with my favorite dress?"

"Nothing," He answered quickly, running into his bedroom.

I smiled as Evelyn looked to her son and shook her head. "I swear that kid gets stranger every day."

I walked away whistling, stopping at the top of the stairwell.

My brother came down the hall stopping in his tracks when he spotted his wife. "Ah. There's my crazy wife."

"Crazy? At least I'm not a blonde." She grinned.

Rick looked hurt. "Is that supposed to be an insult?" He raised an eyebrow.

Alex stuck his head out his door, an indignant look on his face.

I couldn't help but giggle on my way down the stairs.

**AN: **One more chapter to go for part one. I still haven't wrote part two but I'll be out of school in four weeks so give me time!


	7. All's Well That Ends Well

**AN: **Here it is. The last chapter of part one. I'm hoping to get the next part finished When the semester ends in two weeks. It has nothing to do with this part besides the fact that it takes place on the same day.

Enjoy!

**The "Pleasure God" Fiasco and Other Bedtime Stories**

**Chapter 7**

**All's Well That Ends Well**

Jonathan Carnahan:

I arrived home to a quiet household just around supper time. I checked the kitchen figuring my baby sister would be in there whipping up one of her wonderful home cooked meals. To my surprise it was empty!

Where was everyone? Had they all just suddenly went to Egypt and left me here to fend for myself? _How rude!_

I suddenly heard the distinct sound of laughter coming from outside. I turned on my heels and headed out back.

Low and behold, there was a fire started. Everyone was seated around it with roasting sticks in their hands. They were having a regular soirée. _Without me! _My mouth dropped open as I witnessed everyone laughing and having a gay ol' time. I fumed and headed into the house.

Just before I started to head into the library to sulk, my eyes drifted to the liquor cabinet. I suddenly had a bright idea! _If you can't beat them, join them! _

I grabbed as much alcohol as I could carry and trotted outside. When I arrived at the fire pit I carefully placed the bottles on the ground behind my sister.

"Well, well," my brother-in-law stated, "Look who decided to come home."

"Jonathan!" My dear baby sister all but yelled. "Where were you! We've been worried sick all day that someone had kidnapped you, or something!"

"Yes, I see. You were so worried you decided to throw a party." I looked hurt.

"Well," Evelyn started, "We _were_ worried… Earlier."

"I guess we sort of got caught up in the day's activities." Kamaria stated, smirking at me. I saw her smirk and raised her a glare.

My nephew suddenly yawned and I diverted my attention from that blasted Medjai woman.

"I think it's time for someone to go to bed," my sister said.

Alex pouted and stood. "Alright. But I'm staying up and reading in my room." He started walking slowly towards the house.

The adults continued with small talk until I was sure Alex was in the house. If I started passing around all that liquor with him out here, I'd never hear the end of it from his mother.

"So," I interrupted, "How about a little drink, eh?" Rick rolled his eyes. Shockingly, my sister raised an eyebrow.

"That's an excellent idea, Jonathan." She leapt from her seat and grabbed the bottle from my hand.

"Wait a minute, Evelyn," Rick interjected. "You and alcohol haven't had the best track record."

"Oh!" She whined. "After the day I've had today, I deserve a little drink."

I turned towards Rick and offered him another bottle. He took it from me. I suddenly saw a strange pattern in the library window.

"I say," I said, looking quite perplexed, "Were we robbed today?"

The only response I received was my sister and brother-in-law groaning.

**End Part Un.**

**AN: **And there you have it. Can you guess where this going? The more reviews I get, the faster I'll get part two up!


	8. A Regular Soirée

**N: **Wow. Sorry it's been a long time on this one guys. I kind of lost my mummy muse in college life. But I think it's back!

In leiu of the third enstallment of the Mummy series coming out in a few days, I thought I'd better update. I've had most of this written for quite some time and I honestly just forgot about it.

Anyways, this pretty much has little to do with the last part besides the fact th

at it occurs on the same day.

Enjoy and please review!

* * *

**The "Pleasure God" Fiasco and Other Bedtime Stories**

**Part Deux: Night**

**Chapter 1**

**A Regular ****Soirée**

Rick O'Connell:

Ah, yes. Nothing like a little alcohol to get the old mouth running. I swear, one little sip and my wife's a regular chatter box. Not that she wasn't before, but let's just say that her tact pretty much goes out the window.  
And me? I'm pretty good until I start singing and dancing all over the place, which I don't think I've done since I was fifteen, by the way.

Everyone else around the campfire was pretty well behaved. Well, _almost_ everyone. Jonathan and 'well behaved' don't belong in the same _sentence_ together.

"I love the stars," Evelyn stated, dreamily. "Don't you Rick?"

"Yeah, sure, Evelyn. They're beautiful."

"Oh? And I'm _not_?" Evelyn asked, glaring at her husband.

"Stop talking, now, chap," Jonathan warned. "You'll never hear the end of it."

Evelyn turned toward the fire and pouted.

"I say we tell campfire stories," Ella said, popping the cork off a bottle of Gin.

"Don't know any," Jonathan said.

Ella looked at everyone else seated around the campfire. Everyone except Evelyn either shrugged or shook their head in response. Evelyn just continued to stare at the fire, mumbling something about a divorce.

"Okay, then," Ella said, cheerfully, "how about we just talk about embarrassing stuff."

"Like what? First dates gone bad?" Rick asked.

"Yeah. I'll start," Ella said before clearing her throat. "When I was in college, I was really in danger of flunking out. I was desperate for some extra credit, so I asked my professor what I could do," She began. "So he says to me, either you can volunteer as a model, or take on a _special_ project."

At this, I raised an eyebrow. I could just see where this was going.

"So, I ask what this special project is, and he says to meet him in his office later and bring some painting supplies."

"Something tells me you didn't just paint his portrait," I added.

"No, we ended up covered in paint, sprawled across his desk, doing you-know-what." She waggled her eyebrows to add emphasis.

"Good lord, woman," Jonathan piped in, "I hate to ask, but how does one remove paint from their nether-regions?"

"I could tell you how we did it-"

"I think I've heard enough, sis," I interrupted, officially disgusted. Sorry, but hearing about my little sister's romantic endeavors is not one of my favorite bedtime stories.

"_Rick_," Evelyn said in a singsong, slowly turning her head from side to side. "Why does the sky look like it's spinning?"

"Uh, hun?" I put a hand on her head to stop her from moving it.

"Oh," she smiled at me, and then leaned on my shoulder, "thanks, dear. That's much better."

"_Right_." I smirked at her and decided it was time for one of my famed tales. "Did you hear about the time- "

"I have a story!!" My wife shouted, jumping up from her seat and nearly knocking me backwards in the process.

"_Ow_," I muttered as I righted myself and rolled my eyes.

"Evy, _no one_ wants to hear about your bloody _boring_ romance with Daniel," Jonathan stated, emphasizing his statement with a feinted yawn.

"Oh! Jonathan, I have more class than to didul – diggulge - divulge that information."

"Well then, let's have it," my brother-in-law imposed.

"Oh, yes, of course. You see, this one time, when I was a child, I snuck into the back room at the museum and sneaked a peek at the newest eshib- ezzeb- well you get the idea."

"That's_ it_? _That's_ your exciting story?" Jonathan asked, eyebrows raised in amazement.

"Well, I'd like to hear _you_ come up with a better one." Evy said, glaring at her older brother in distaste.

"On that note, and because I really don't want to hear about Jonathan's escapades either, I'll tell one." I cleared my throat, leaning forward into the fire. "Back when I first joined the Legion, while we were in France, Beni and I decided to visit a local brothel."

"_Richard_!" My wife shouted, as she proceeded to smack me across the face.

"Ow, _Evelyn_! What the hell was _that_ for?"

"You know _exactly_ what that was for!" She shouted as she stood started to storm off, rather clumsily, I might add, and realized she should sit back down.

"Okay," I rubbed my cheek where she struck me. "As I was saying, I hadn't quite got the hang of the French language yet."

"Oh, this ought to be _good_," Jonathan said, rubbing his hands together.

"Somehow I ended up telling a prostitute she looked like a foot."

Everyone laughed at this, including my wife. Sometimes I swear she has a split personality.

"Well, there's your problem, ol' chum," Jonathan said, grabbing a roasting stick and playing with the wood on the fire. "You need to learn how to talk to women."

"I don't think so, Jonathan," I said, looking to my wife, who may have been drunk at the moment and a little bit crazy, but she was still the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. Unfortunately, she didn't hear me say that last bit out loud.

"Oh! I'll have you know, Mr. O'Connell that you can be _replaced_ at any time," Evelyn all but shouted.

"That's not what I meant-"

"Let it go, ol' man, let it go," Jonathan said, nodding his head in my wife's direction as she was deep in conversation with Kamaria.

"Anyway, this woman tells her employer what the 'Yank' in the corner said and stalks over to attempt to break every bone in my body." I thought I heard Evelyn mutter something like 'serves him right', but I could be mistaken.

"Beni and I manage to weasel our ways out of it, by explaining to him we didn't speak French, but not before the big guy broke my nose and Beni's wrist. He did try to offer us a discount, though."

And then it happened. Ardeth, the silent man from the desert of Egypt, spoke. "I take it you told him you were too '_broke_' to accept the offer?"

There was an uncomfortable silence as everyone around the fire tried to comprehend what the hell had just happened. And then, one by, we started to laugh.

* * *

**AN: **More to Come!

* * *


End file.
